After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
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Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
couldn’t resist
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll