Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.

MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?

“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”

And then?

“Cheese.”

Mmmm and then?

“You close the door from outside.”

I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..

[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.

We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.

Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true

Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses

[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.

Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.

Coworker: “How was your weekend?”

Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”

At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)

Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.

Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?

I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence

When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations

I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.

We got caught Brian, just act normal..

yeah i’m a bit of a rebel

wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year

remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair

I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.

brain: bored

me: lots of stuff to do

brain: tired

me: resting is also good

brain: stressed

me: alright man

I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.

In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.

A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.

My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.

Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally

A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.

“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.

Them: Can you recommend a show for me?

Me: Captain Caveman?

Them: Maybe something more for adults?

Me:

Them: Sorry.