After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
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I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that