After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
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Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
thought i was a minimalist, but it turns out i’m just broke
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Ah yes. The three genders
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
U talkin 2 me?
Call me old-fashioned, but I thought we’d pretty much sorted the design of the cup.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom