After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
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fair
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Yep.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
why am I working on Labor Day
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
yes yes a thousand times yes!
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Well, that should do it
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?