@Marlebean

After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.

You Might Also Like

@ilayew

i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.

@0point5twins

– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?

– Rhino

– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn

@UncleDuke1969

Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me

“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”

Brain: Perfect!

@Evan_Hadfield

The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.

@Darlainky

The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.

@MindyFurano

my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)

@JojoCaravan

An ambitious bodyguard can specialize and become a shin or mouth guard

@dshack8

Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.

@ClichedOut

Her: You look great without glasses

Me: I don’t wear glasses

Her: *putting them back on* I do

@smithsara79

The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room