After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.

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i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.


– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?

– Rhino

– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn


Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me


Brain: Perfect!


The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.


The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.


my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)


An ambitious bodyguard can specialize and become a shin or mouth guard


Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.


Her: You look great without glasses

Me: I don’t wear glasses

Her: *putting them back on* I do


The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room