Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.

“Be careful. That ice is slippery” – Everyone after you slip on ice.

Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.

Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work

Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over

Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?

Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter

[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]

Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.

And Monopoly was born.

[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?

[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!

First date:

Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick

Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.

Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.

Me: First of all that’s an inmate.

How do you explain this gap in your resume?

“I was in jail.”

Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?

“Swear to God. Jail.”

Me: I’m way tougher than you.

Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.

Me: So?

Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.

dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven

“What state are we in now?”

-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip

Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.

My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”

evil queen: would you like an apple?

me [is snow white]: nah not really

evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!

me: meh, even so

[1st day working at bank]

BOSS: What are you doing??

ME: I gave that man a personal loan.

BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR

Google Pay be like:

I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.

At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.

In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.

“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”

betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.

Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.

“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State

5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’

when there are deer in the woods

Stages of home cleanliness:

1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler

[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car

I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.