[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
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Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”