Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking

My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?

Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.

doctor: do u smoke?

me: no

doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*

me: [nervously] is…is that bad?

Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual

Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*

when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.

Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy

19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.

Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.

What should we call this portable computer?

SOME GUY: Laptop

[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]

Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.

“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.

Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea

Me: ooo I love diarrhea

My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh

Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.

Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.

I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th

You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.

6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower

Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.

Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.

[Antarctic Courtroom]

Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”

Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”

Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”

Walrus: “No. I…”

*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice

*takes an exam in a coffin*

*passes*

There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.

This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭

I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it

This tweet has been deleted

The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early

My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.

(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?