Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby

My son just hugged me.

Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.

I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.

Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”

Whether you’re a fan of Hallowe’en or not, you have to give it credit for being the last line of defence against Christmas advancing even earlier into the year, a ragtag gang of goths holding the line against a battalion of baubled barbarians

it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing

[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?

hamster: no

Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.

Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.

Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!

Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.

Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker

The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.

[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]

That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.

I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags

*hops in time machine*

him: where ya going?

me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW

Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.

Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here

Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏

Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.

I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.

[first day as magician]

Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning

if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it

How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?

Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.

Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?

me: this is my horse mayo

friend: why did you call him that?

mayo: [neighs]

daughter: do I have to brush?

me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?

daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.

Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”

My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married

Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places

Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?

Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney

CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.

Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath

Apparently someone’s been stealing patrol dogs.

Police say they have several leads

#Police

I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about

I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.