[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
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HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.