Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.

When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.

i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff

Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.

I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.

The Odyssey must have seemed like such a goofy title when it came out. Imagine if someone nowadays wrote a book about a guy named Steve and called it The Stevening and it was taught it every school 1000 years later

my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat

Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂

Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad

If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.

The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”

“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”

sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild

Her: We need to talk.

*vultures begin circling over me*

[my dog poops]

man: pick it up!

[my dog poops faster]

If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men

Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes

Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.

My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.

me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster

tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster

Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”

*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*

“Same”

Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.

I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.

The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.

me: “why tf does my back hurt??”

also me:

Battery falling down a hole

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.

My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.

Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.

Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful

Me: Flies away

[Justice League HQ]

SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight

MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes

Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!

Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.