After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
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On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
This is always good for a laugh.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
“Wow, Awesome costume.”
“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Lmaoo 😂
