after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
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This pepper has seen some shit
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Microsoft word: “I’ll do anything to enhance your writing and editing experience, just ask”
Me: “I’d like to add comments to footnotes”
Microsoft word: “eat shit!”
Tastes like chicken.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Me: Alexa, make me breakfast.
Alexa: Okay, you’re breakfast.
Me: No I mean…
Alexa: Lol! What a moron. 🤣
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.
gm
My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?