after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
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GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
are there any atheist mantises?
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people