Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.

what it’s like dating me:

[working from home]

8:00am: wake up

8:30am: eat cereal

8:30-noon: can’t remember

noon: open laptop

noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”

12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up

12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up

1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp

Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.

Her: How old is he?

Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….

jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home

I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.

And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.

Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”

SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures

Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!

Wife: I don’t like where this is going.

Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.

Wife: I’ll be at the bar

My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.

Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”

Batman: “Shut up.”

sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball

I miss this era type of pranks😭

Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back

My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week

My reply: I don’t know,am I?

[CRIME SCENE]

COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!

PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*

Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!

Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*

Her: When did you get a belly ring?

Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop

[Family of lizards]

Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings

Little lizard: ahem

Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance

Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?

I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.

Mailman: whatcha doing

Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry

Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor

Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most

I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.

I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.

Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.

The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.

Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.

if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl

Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?

Me: sure what time?

Them: 8:30

Me: *laughs in over 40*

Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough