after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
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What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
This kinda thing happens to me often
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.