*gets pulled over*
Officer: how high are u
Me: no officer, it’s hi, how are u
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
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[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Me: *wombat noises*
Me: These books are half price.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Awwww, she looks so sweet and peaceful when she’s not yelling.
-my kids, watching me sleep
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Friend: u around this weekend
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will