after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host

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*gets pulled over*

Officer: how high are u

Me: no officer, it’s hi, how are u


[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.


*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*


Me: These books are half price.

Wife: Yeah.

Me: So I can save money.

Wife: Uh huh.

Me: By buying ten times as many.

Wife: NO.


Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?

NASA: have you ever built a space ship?

Reporter: well no bu-

NASA: it’s really hard


Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe


Awwww, she looks so sweet and peaceful when she’s not yelling.

-my kids, watching me sleep


Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass


Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died


[First date]

Her dad: I want her home before midnight

Me: but you already own her home

Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will