after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
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man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Tuesday
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
January is the Mondayest month of the year
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
