After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
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I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
I get it laundry no one is doing me either