After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
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[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.