After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
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My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
The left. The right. The ambidextrous. Politics is so confusing.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]