After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
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Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now
Me: Please don’t
Stranger: It’s on sale 🥰
Me: Omg 3 please
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Driving in Europe vs Canada
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
im a single issue voter and this is my issue
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’