After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
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Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
3: I wuv you Mommy.
Me: I love you too!
3: Don’t talk to me.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test
Me: C
Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
we’re dead?
Breaking news:
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*