Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.

ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:

I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing

So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.

Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related

Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”

<at a baptism>

*leans over*

Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?

“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.

0/10 stars, would not recommend.”

– Super Mario Bros. Online review

Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?

Me: Hello darkness, my old friend

Darkness: *rolls eyes*

Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.

With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?

I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.

I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.

This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:

Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.

Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out

Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff

This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.

Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.

All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.

Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.

You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.

[wife is gone]

me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings

10: did mom say you could?

me: it’s my house too!

10: but did she tell you that you could do that?

me: I can do what I want

10: I’m texting mom

Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away

I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.

Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel

Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…

Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?

I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.