After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
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My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees