Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes

MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed

it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries

No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.

Playing Rugby is a great way to meet new people, Paramedic’s … Nurses,…Orthopedic Surgeons.

Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”

[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit

10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute

me: *laughs in dial-up*

I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,

but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.

When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.

Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?

Because the rest were not-E.

*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?

*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!

Cherry seeds are just the pits.

Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.

Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.

Pet Cemetery 3:

People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.

Somebody buries dinosaur bones.

Jurassic Park ensues.

Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.

I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.

Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”

OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?

I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.

SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:

was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?

ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?

My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.

She hates bananas.

Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.

Dr: Suture self

If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.

Jesus Christ lmao

[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you

[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.

oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card

Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.

I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”

Green Day, the band was Green Day.

I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!