[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
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Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.