After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
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God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
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Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.