Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my favouritest X’s, ranked:

9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife

Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo

[first day in the Mafia]

Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked

Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?

Me: oh no

i thought lingerie was a type of noodle

I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.

if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun

I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that

I spend so much time and resources making stand up clips and then my gf was like do this TikTok trend and now it has more views than my last 14 videos combined

Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.

me: [donating body to science]

science: [donates my body to goodwill]

movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)

I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?

it took me a moment to realize the NYPD commissioner who was just raided by the feds is the NYPD commissioner who succeeded the NYPD commissioner who was raided by the feds a few weeks ago and then resigned

Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint

waiter: can i show you to the table

me: sure

waiter: here he is

table: [unimpressed noises]

Re: global warming and the cold weather

“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”

Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!

Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time

{During Mass}

Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?

Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword

Me: *sweating*

My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*

*ernest hemingway voice*

I feel like one of these would kill a European

hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.

WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house

ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why

My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.

😁

8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.

When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go

My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.