Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.

Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?

GF: …I’m pregnant

ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news

If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit

If you love someone set them free? Girl, I can’t even get rid of the 257 plastic bags under my sink.

People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.

Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.

Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.

Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.

“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”

Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.

Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”

You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.

Yeah, me too.

(filming reality TV show)

him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot

me: so a guy with just one foot?

him: no, an ape-type creature

me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot

him: he has 2 feet

me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?

him: get out

friend: how’s the new job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain

“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season

Have we checked all food to see if exploding it makes it into something better or did we just stop with corn?

It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.

Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”

I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.

“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”

-companies that obviously provide no training

Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.

Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?

Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this

As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.

He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.

I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.

Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”

Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”

A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.

I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.

Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think

Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?

I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.

I know

Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.

Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?