Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.

Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.

[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]

When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.

#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns

My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.

[sees friend at the store]

“Hi”

Hey

“Where’s your better half?”

The PS4’s at home

“No I mean-”

Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.

Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.

I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.

10/10 no notes

Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.

I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.

My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.

Finding Nemo 3:

Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.

Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.

Nemo’s mom finds them.

It’s a revenge tale.

son: what’s that one?

me: the orion constellation

son: and that one?

me: that’s the big dipper

son: and what’s that?

me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes

This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️

I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.

*beats arachnophobia*

*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*

*fears spiders again*

You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.

Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving

COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan

I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.

sure, why not

Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..

aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.

dinosaur: how’d you die

human: stupid

Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.

Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?

Me: [horrified] I love it

I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.

absolutely not

Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”

Imagine falling in love with me then finding out I’m a slow walker