Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up

All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!

It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…

January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K

him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it

me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?

I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.

My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.

*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*

[boss’s office]

I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?

“No, sir”

I like your style, Murray.

Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out

[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are

if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming

Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.

Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.

cop: you’re under arrest

me: you’re under arrest

cop: what

me: get in the car

cop: yours or mine

me: yours

Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.

When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.

[murder scene]

DETECTIVE: What do we have here?

ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?

What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?

“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher

When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for

temp agency: can you do retail

lizard: yes

DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts

ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady

I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.

[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”

Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown

[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”

Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!

Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.

Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.

Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…

(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”

Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022

Relationship status update:

It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace