Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.

I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.

*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*

Me: Not interested.

*driving by hot chick*

Me: Maybe just a quick glance.

*driving by any home with an open garage*

Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.

“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”

– inventor of velcro

I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:

InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00

[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts

AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S

“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem

It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too

me before I type out affect or effect

Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.

u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm

dog owners: their name is buddy

cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito

I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.

me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up

I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.

The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM

You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.

Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.

I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”

“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort

Brands during Pride

Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex

BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive

Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.

5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?

OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.

“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is

Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway