[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
You Might Also Like
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.
A completely valid reaction tbh
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
ouch
Local theater is doing CATS and I went last night and it’s very enjoyable but also super unrealistic; not one of the “cats” sat on a table and knocked shit onto the floor
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house