[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
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[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
This headline is a thing of beauty
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
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