Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Starts jogging]
Body: No.

If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4

Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet

love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️

My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.

*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs

4: mommy? *takes bite*

Me: yes, love?

4: *chewing* I’m hungry.

Me: …I have good news

Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.

To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.

Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.

I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.

For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.

Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?

If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.

scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit

a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?

I texted my ex,

I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.

“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles

poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out

The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.

Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.

Her:

I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you

Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.

Interviewer: strengths?

Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….

Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?

Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??

Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.

My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.

Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”

Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.

Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.

Twitter.

Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”

Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”

What’s the opposite of irony?

Crinkly.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes