After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.
You Might Also Like
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Breakfast for Stoners:
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
Said hello to someone, they didn’t hear me, immediately assumed it was some sort of sixth sense situation
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
