After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.
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Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner