Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?

[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong

Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.

Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing

Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.

Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…

When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.

Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.

It’s amazing how much destruction a 4yo can cause between the hours of 5:30 and 5:37 am.

Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.

Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.

barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??

ken:

barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*

I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.

If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.

Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.

Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.

My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.

I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.

My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.

Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.

The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.

Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”

I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.

Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”

“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”

“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.

Baker: Is there a problem?

Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!

My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.

Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely

Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?