thanksgiving in nutshell
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Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking