Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂

BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…

ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?

[first date]

me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes

A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.

Again, I went to pick up a prescription and the pharmacist asked for my date of birth. I told him to write it down this time.

I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then

Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism

Who are we?
CLIENTS!

What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!

When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!

I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.

ME: today will be a good day

PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol

then why did i get this email

Me: That tree is impeckable

“Don’t you mean impeccable?”

*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*

Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?

Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself

[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin

[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–

[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…

[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*

rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him

Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets

[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans

These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.

Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.

older women will do that thing you like.

~bake cookies

My 7-year-old wrote this joke:

What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.

I’ve never been more proud.

[swimming pool]

me: do you have family changing facilities?

clerk: yes we do

me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife

[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]

*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST

GM✌🏻

I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?

The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.