Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.

“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*

The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline

I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.

My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA

Normalize ordering a straw with your soup

Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?

Her: *Yodels*

Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.

First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”

Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”

Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person

My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.

I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.

please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke

-hearing my dog about to puke

What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?

Sony Playstation

wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”

My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.

“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”

– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.

Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed

therapy: $90/hr

saying “it eez what it eez”: $0

Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]

Neo:

Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which

Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.

Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here

[pulled over]

Cop: Have you been drinking?

Me: No

Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on

I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.

Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.

Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children

“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.

detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out

[ducks under the police tape]

detective: and get these ducks outta here

“I hope to find you well.”

I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.