[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
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*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Lmfaoooooo
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
My love language is deader than Latin
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
A little too much information.