Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pronounces bondage like corsage.

[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this

Me: When do you install the lasers?

Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…

Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?

Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.

Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life

Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.

911: What’s your emergency?

THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE

911: Barista?

IT’S A GUY. BARISTO

911: No, it’s still-

Nm he’s dead now

2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.

Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.

You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.

Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry

This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.

Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!

At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.

Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck

[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers

Wife: what no

Me: I’m growing weaker

Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes

While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.

I act like Pacman at parties.

I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.

Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10

happy birthday to me. i am 25.

Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out

I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.

*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick

“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”

If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.

If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?

asking my bank if i can do extra credit

Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.

I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.

At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.

Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by

I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts