After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
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Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
*Likes every cat post that comes across my feed
Me: MY GOD why am I only seeing posts about cats
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
hmmmmmm
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
The more I insisted marshmallows were vegetables, the angrier my doctor got.
Another day, another…goddammit
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP