After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
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What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience