Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”

One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?

Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?

No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.

When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.

When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.

hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know

dentist: have you been flossing

me: have you?

dentist: [to assistant] can he do that

[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*

My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips

Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”

Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work

If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.

I am so sorry.

I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.

Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony

Finally!

Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face

OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”

*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*

Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!

*wears camouflage to a family reunion*

Her: there’s something different about you

Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?

As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.

When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.

[party]

GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!

ME: Yahtzee!

GUY: That’s not a drinking game.

ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?

[everyone looks at each other]

ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?

Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.

That explains why they date women
half their age.

6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.

My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.

me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!

Mississippi: *crying*

Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.

Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.

6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.

Thanks 2020!!!