After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
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winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Generation gap…
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond