After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
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Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
