[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
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My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
In a parallel universe, Mariah Carey is doing her shopping and is sick of hearing me on every store’s speaker system.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
estão todos miauvindo?
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more
how much does a mortician urn in a year
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store