[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
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“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
My rock bottom keeps refreshing
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.