[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles
God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
