[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
