Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?

[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough

I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon

Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago

So many things changing daily.

For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.

Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.

At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.

This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!

Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.

My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.

when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭

“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.

And other 5am thoughts

I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.

*unsubscribes from newsletter*

*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*

*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*

What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?

Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.

I know that now.

Me, at front door: I’m going running

Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?

Me: It’s me!

Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP

I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.

I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.

[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]

“Who are you eating?”

Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.

Them: Going camping?

Me: Nope

1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.

RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?

Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”

Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car

My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.

Me: I’m a scorpion.

Date: You mean scorpio?

Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.

The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.

mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?

optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that

[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.

[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.