[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
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Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”