[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
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In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
The Friday File.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!This is every influencer giving “advice.”
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”