Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A conversation between 2 vegans:

“I’m a vegan.”

“I’m a vegan too.”

“Oh.”

“So…you’re a vegan?”

“Yes, I am a vegan.”

“Me too.”

guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point

I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.

I have a firm understanding of basic math.

Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.

noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”

Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.

Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’

They say treat others how you would like to be treated.

Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.

Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?

Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”

This is why I can’t stand people.

5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants

I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.

Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first

I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:

“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”

A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”

My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up

If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.

was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught

My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”

barbara was highly relatable

Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes

You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino

you stereotypes are all alike

Drove past two First Baptist churches.

One of them is lying.

Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.

It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.

I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.

“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –

Me, the day after the office Christmas party.