Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[5 minutes later]

me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet

Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.

If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.

The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called

[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it

It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.

GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.

ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.

ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years

5yo: Mom is 47!

Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.

Me: I’m 37.

For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.

HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?

Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.

HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.

Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath

RIGHT?

*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*

There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button

[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”

therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin

her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say

Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?

Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS

LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!

DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia

Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.

– playing “Is it cake? –

Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”

“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.

[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]

PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”

KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week

‘m developing a new fragrance for introverts

It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”

Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.

I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.

I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.

I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.