Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sweet dreams💖

Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders

My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub

Anyone want a chair?

My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.

“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice

Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep

A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.

I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.

*Makes joke on Twitter*

*5 Retweets*

*Makes same joke on Facebook*

*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*

they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.

Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.

One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.

if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?

*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*

“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

I want to look hot on tinder.

Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?

Well played men, well played…

Well this pretty much sums up 2020.

When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly

Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts

Sunday Family Dinner:

Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?

Me: Isn’t that your third husband?

MIL:

M:

MIL:

M: Gravy?

Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.

Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.

I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.

I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”

If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.

I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.

Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.

people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me

Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?

I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes

Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.