After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
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guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…