Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS

1st package: elaborate ribbon! precision corners! glittering magnificence!
4th: wrapping paper, some tape
15th: plastic grocery bag, staples

I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown

How rude of my car GPS to suggest Taco Bell as the first suggested destination, but also thanks it was helpful, that’s where I was going.

my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)

PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.

priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better

my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…

[counseling]

She gets angry a lot

“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”

YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN

I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.

You’re like a first job.

No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.

[first date]

HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.

ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.

Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive

Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression

Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy

I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian

I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.

That said, could someone please call for help?

I got startled and am stuck in a tree.

Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]

“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers

Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years

*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*

“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.

You’re never alone. Theres mold

[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible

due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me

Me: Hello darkness, my old friend

Darkness: *rolls eyes*

People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing

It’s nice that the nations of the world have all agreed that movie tickets should be half price on Tuesdays. Something to build on as we forge a global consciousness

The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom

Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours