After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
God, I love Scotland
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
