After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
sign of the times 🖊
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
my grandfather spent many decades & his entire life savings unsuccessfully trying to develop & grow the world’s first ham sandwich tree
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
hate when you tell a hilarious story and then everyone’s like “omg im so sorry that happened to you?????” like get with the program honey we’re laughing about this
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
