After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.
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me logging onto twitter
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.