After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
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Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
My 1st grader is home sick today and this morning I caught him trying to cough directly onto his older brother.
I asked why he did that and he said it’s because he loves him and thinks he deserves a day off of school too.
This story lives rent free in my head:
Lord of the Rings star Sean Astin once asked Lesnie [LotR cinematographer] ‘where is the light coming from? ‘ when they were shooting in what should have been a darkened tower.
Lesnie replied, “Same place as the music.”
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night