*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
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Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.