[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
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Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
no their not
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
i’m really proud of how brave i was at a haunted house last week. it makes me think maybe i should pursue my fantasy of being a war photographer
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive