[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
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People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Snack for election night!
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis