Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
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chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff