After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
You Might Also Like
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
“no gods no masters” = leo
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a Grizzly unless it has been given a strong anesthetic….
Ther’s safety in numb bears
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Well, this is awkward
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.