Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers

I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.

worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone

honey, bring out the fine china.

*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture

“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.

Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?

HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker

“snitches get stitches”

Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997

Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please

Cyber Monday has become too commercialized

When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.

Great news my neighbor just pedaled by on a road bike wearing spandex and when I waved at him he made finger guns so I’m no longer the least cool neighbor on my street!

*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes

Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate

Him: U started your diet, didn’t u

uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”

Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.

*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*

This contest is hard

7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?

Me: Did you eat your greens?

7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream

Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?

*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party*

*Gets arrested for indecent exposure*

Had to do a parent phone call today. The parent asked me why I was calling them about their child’s behavioral issues. I-

Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.

If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora

Me: oh man, I love the 80s

My grandparents: we have names

I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.

Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”

Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.

A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.

Barber: What would you like today?

Me: Make me look attractive.

Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!

Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.