After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
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Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time