After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
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If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.