“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Me: I’m Absolutely broke
State of the art tech advertisers who know every single detail of my life: She needs the nicest most expensive bag ever! Oh and Taylor Swift tickets, at 3 times the original price!
#wtfuture
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
