“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
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I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
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This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.