“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Me: *sits down near my cat*
My cat: That reminds me, I need to bathe loudly.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Holy shit he’s back
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
