Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.

[Sitting down at a restaurant]

Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.

Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.

You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?

Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask

The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.

[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep

My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.

[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys

Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.

just saw a guy tweet “be a good kitten and behave for daddy” lmao bro have u ever met a cat??

Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis

On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME.

Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent

Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?

If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands

People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.

If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.

Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.

Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”

me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?

bus driver: can’t but thanks

fun fact: nike is short for nichael

ham: accepted, non-offensive

hamn: curse, extremely forbidden

When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries

[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??

How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.

A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.

I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.

I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.

The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no

To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.

Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way