Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.

The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.

When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.

I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.

date: what turns you on?

me: cartoon superhero movies

date: [laughing] incredible

me: yah that’s my go to

WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough

DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,

Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.

When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.

FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”

BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record

[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt

If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.

All of the good tweets are either married or gay.

Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?

We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.

When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.

if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk

Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish

If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”

We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.

i really liked this one

If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it

“Is this your resume?”

Yes

“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”

Yes

“Welcome to UPS!”

Alex: A ship that has sunk

What is my relationship?

Alex: No sorry tha-

[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex

My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.

I think about this often.

“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.

[Tinder]

Dora: Swiper no swiping!

Swiper: Oh mannn…

I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.

Them: How long can you hold your breath?

Me: 20 years, apparently.