Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.

ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film

HIPSTER: I preferred the original

M: Original? What original?

H: Nosfera One.

Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”

I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants

The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.

[husband and wife decide to try swinging]

Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you

Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!

Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅

My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today

why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly

Always this one for me forever

Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?

My cat:…

Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?

ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket

WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect

*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true

that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud

him: what did you do all day?

*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*

Me: it’s a purrrramid!

SMS passcode is 1477178 in case anyone needed it. They said to not share it but I’m trying to live in an abundance mindset

as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default

Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.

Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!

Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!

Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.

Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”

Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?

WIFE: That won’t work

ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?

I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.

I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.

SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER

If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂

[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!